-Woody Allen
Guess what? You're dying. In the time it's taken you to read this line, you've inched 3 seconds closer to death (depending on how fast you read - if this line has taken you ten seconds already, you may as well give up and die now). If that thought actually bothers you, you might be able to take some sadistic pleasure in knowing that writing this has cost me more time than you'll lose reading it.
As much as people seem imbued with a certain feeling of immortality, -the "that could never happen to me" feeling - most mature people are keenly aware that the icy black hand of Death waits and watches as we smoke, drink, drive, jaywalk, breathe, be born and do the other stupid things we do that lead to our eventual demise.
Because of that knowledge, a great may people do their best to create a lasting legacy for themselves. People spend millions to have buildings named for them, they build statues and monuments, name their kids after themselves. And that's just for starters.
The disgusting, money-sucking leviathan that is the North American recording industry can also ensure your name lives on through the ages. Unfortunately, the trade-off for you is that you've got to die an untimely death. But hey, that's the price you pay for immortality!
But you've got to do more than just die. There are criteria to satisfy before you blow your head off or OD and choke on your own vomit. Fortunately, the music industry offers no dearth of case studies. Here's a rundown of which sort of musician burnout to emulate, complete with a handy grading system of who's best to emulate. So let's dig in!
Kurt Cobain
Grade: A+
Albums (pre-death): 3
Albums (post-death): 4
As much as I loathe how slobbering Cobain fans have canonized him in the years since his death, I've got to give him credit: he had all the right elements for musical immortality. First, Nirvana became the darling of brainless rock critics everywhere when it "saved rock and roll" (whatever the fuck that means). Cobain and Co. arrived at just the right time to shift music from the garish excess of 80's rock to the age of insufferable po-faced mope-rock we endure today. Next, he did a lot of drugs. Then, he married a grasping harpy who quickly exhausted her limited talents and was then forced to exploit her dead husband's name for drug money. Finally, he committed suicide, instantly endearing him to thousands of grunge losers and mopey adolescents.
Cobain's modest postmortem output is surprising, but it's mostly because Love and Cobain's bandmates have engaged in a long, drawn-out battle over who holds the rights to exhume Cobain's corpse and make it dance for money. He'll put out more albums and you'll continue to see his soulful, sad-bastard face (seen at right - that contrived mournful expression makes me want to smack him in the skull) on t-shirts and posters as long as so fans and rock journalists continue to lament the man who's been inexplicably elevated far beyond what he might have achieved.
Jimi Hendrix
Grade: B
Albums (pre-death): 8
Albums (post-death): 58
How hard did you work today? Well, big fucking deal, because you were still less productive than a guy who's been dead for over 40 years. Most people can't even slam out 8 productive hours a day at work when we're young and vital, but Jimi Hendrix's record output has gone up 625% since he died. I may not put out one album in my lifetime, and he's got 58 postmortem albums to his credit
Jimi gets extra points for dying in somewhat mysterious circumstances, but he does forfeit some pizzazz for possibly choking on his own vomit. The reason he only gets an B is this: he's not a good legacy role model. Lots of decent bands would be hard-pressed to churn out eight albums and in doing so, you'll run the risk that people will recognize what a no-talent you are before you die. Chances are that you're not nearly as talented as Jimi Hendrix, so don't put out this many albums before you kick the bucket.
Tupac Shakur
Grade: C
Albums (pre-death): 5
Albums (post-death): 21
Another shabby role model, this tatted-up bullet magnet nevertheless has some redeeming features. Pros include being a capable rapper, pre- and post-mortem sales and dying. Cons? Well, he was murdered, which you probably don't want to put up with. That was the second time he was shot too, so he might have left a much small legacy for the rest of us to hear about had the first shooting worked.
Also, lest we forgot that Tupac was a twat. Any Tupac apologist must be referred to the brilliant album cover for The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory, released under the pretentious pseudonym "Makaveli." Using an utterly contrived and ham-fisted metaphor for Tupac's self-affected suffering, it shows a crucified Tupac, a reference to how the oft-maligned rapper was crucified by the media. Shame on you, media! So what if he once shot two cops and had separate convictions for sexual and physical assault? Geez, give him a break!So there you have it: he left a lot of material and mystique for record-industry whores to exploit, but he's also an undeniable asshole. Is that what you want to be?
John Lennon
Grade: C
Albums (pre-death): 13
Albums (post-death): 27
What? A C for John Lennon, you say? Another prolific and talented musician, sure, but also a titanic asshole. Of course, that in itself isn't enough to preclude your musical legacy. His other mistake was turning into a numb and pretentious hippie, producing middling music on his way out. Every artist is entitled to a weak period but you've gotta bounce back; Lennon's work tailed off, then he stopped performing, then he died. Bad exit.
Nick Drake
Grade: D-
Albums (pre-death): 4
Albums (post-death): 13
The all Music Guide sums Drake up quite well: "A singular talent who passed almost unnoticed during his brief lifetime." Nick Drake was a talented and morose kid, which plays very well to some audiences. But as good as he may have been, his legacy sucks. He was a total recluse, which makes it harder to build a following. A good deal of his contemporary fanbase comes from a Volkswagen commercial and you can bet the a great percentage of his fans are poseur twits who love pretending they knew about him before that ad. He'd probably be spinning in his grave to hear some of the twats who claim fandom now, the poor bastard.
Brad Nowell
Grade: F
Albums (pre-death): 3
Albums (post-death): 2
The quickly forgotten lead singer of Sublime, which shat out some quickly forgotten frat-boy pop in the mid-90's, Nowell is no a role model for you musical legacy seekers. His heroin-fueled death was a good move, but it's totally annulled since Sublime became famous after he died, allowing the band to either achieve flash-in-the-pan status or soldier on with a new frontman (To their credit, the band called it quits). Making matters worse, Sublime employed ska and reggae influences, an unholy fusion of the world's worst musical genres, which would endear it to no one. Since the band didn't achieve fame until after its third album, it was already a proven non-entity. You need to prove potential first, kids.
Of course, we all face the obstacle of having to break into the music industry in the first place. But hey, I firmly believe that if Nickelback and their greasy hermaphrodite frontman can be a success, anyone can.
