Torts of all sorts

Canadians have long obsessed over Americans. Many of us love to hate the U.S. and we spew our maple-flavoured vitriol at it every chance we get. Of course, Americans don't care much about this, and not just because we're just one of a plethora of countries that despise the Greatest Country in the World©.

Neatly coupled with our U.S.-hatred is the eternal national debate about what it means to be Canadian. We love to talk about the Canadian identity and what that is. As a country, Canadians are probably even better at navel-gazing than we are at hockey.

Of course, you put those two together and what do you have? A nation of people who are scared to death that they're like Americans. We'll deny it to the grave, but every day, we become more and more like them.

It's most obvious in our popular culture, where recent years have seen us produce staggeringly original products like Canadian Idol, MVP (Desperate Housewives + hockey = CanCon!) and Are You Smarter Than a Canadian Fifth Grader? Still no word on the premiere dates for CSI: Regina and The Canadian Bachelor, but it's only a matter of time.

But now we're striking out in newer, dumber directions. Saskatchewan native Sandra Bergen has struck a new blow in the war against personal accountability by successfully suing her drug dealer after she overdosed on cystal meth, went into a coma and experienced lung, heart, kidney and liver failure.

She doesn't have to point out that she suffered brain failure as well, since that's obvious.

Lost in this whole carnival of the inexplicable is how someone so stupid managed to convince a judge that she's deserving of damages.

Bergen, a self-confessed alcoholic who was also a pot and cocaine aficionado at the time of her overdose, apparently also experienced a complete loss of self-awareness somewhere along the way.

“I have gotten sober. I think that’s taking responsibility for my actions," she told CTV."I don’t think I should have to take responsibility for both of our actions. I think he should meet me half way."

CTV's cameraman was immediately hospitalized after choking on a cloud of irony.

I won't waste much more space commenting on the non-existent merits of the case, as they should be obvious to anyone capable of logical thought. And as much as Bergen may be a reprehensible crybaby and hilariously naïve idiot, the fault lies more with a court system that even hears this cases. If I drive drunk, drive into a building and sue the landlord, it's just me being stupid. But once a court agrees to acknowledge my lawsuit, our entire legal system becomes stupid as well.

Bergen, of course, would deny she's stupid. Writing on her website, she notes that her multiple organ failure escaped one vital area. "My brain still works good," she says.

To its credit, the criminal courts refused to hear Bergen's case, meaning it has far more credibility than the civil courts. It also employs something called logic, which poor victimized Bergen doesn't get.

"The criminal law didn't see me as a victim in this case, they just seen (sic) me as another drug addict," she told CBC-TV.


Bergen channels Stella Liebeck?

Aside from invading a Middle Eastern country, this trend of ridiculous lawsuits is the most insidious way we could more closely resemble the U.S. Since 1992, the whole country has become obsessed with lawsuits, multi-billion-dollar torts often based on amazingly stupid claims.

Of course, the whole thing started with 79-year-old Stella Liebeck, a New Mexico resident who won a $2 million in a civil suit against McDonald's after spilling scalding coffee into her lap.

Liebeck has been continually derided for opening the floodgates of stupid lawsuits that has gradually turned the U.S. into one of the most paranoid places on Earth. As authour David Sedaris said, the country's motto has become "You can't say we didn't warn you."

To be fair, Liebeck did get things started, but it's not really her fault. As much as I hate people who blame the media for everything, that's where a lot of the culpability lies. Liebeck actually had a genuine case, but the general public understanding was that some idiot spilled coffee on herself and managed to convince a judge that she deserved some 2 million clams. This convinced the litigious public that courts would accept ridiculous suits and the torts began to pile up.

The concept of tort reform has developed some momentum in the U.S., now that the tort system costs the U.S. government more than $800 billion per year. But look at that number! They let it get that out of control before they started talking about it. Canada can't make the same mistake. We have to prevent more idiots like Bergen from wasting people's time and money because they're accountability-averse.

In yet another staggeringly clueless statement, Bergen trumpeted her victory over her dealer, saying, "He can't go to court now and say 'I'm not responsible.'"

Funny, neither can she. But she did it anyway.