Adventures in bias and misappropriation

As much as I enjoy my job, I must say that the responsibilities are heavy. Being a journalist is sometimes taxing, but being a CBC journalist is even more so. Why? Because aside from the Nazis and the Bush administration, I can't think of any other employer for which every single employee is taken to task for the perceived sins of the group. At any given time, in any social situation, I can expect to be harassed because of the CBC's obvious liberal (or conservative) bias, its pro- (or anti-) Israel stance and just how it generally has no credibility and wastes a billion dollars of taxpayer money per year.

It's unfortunate that CBCWatch died, but there are the ever-vigilant, ever-incisive, not at all hysterical and ignorant goons at places like the National Post and Smalldeadanimals.com who have us all figured out. Their ludicrous-sounding theories have never really caught on, but I gotta tell you: it's all true. The guilt has finally eaten away at me, and I must confess: the CBC truly is a shamefully biased white elephant that deceives Canadians and gleefully wastes their money.

I quit my job there today and as a form of public confession, I offer my work diary from last week as a heartfelt apology to all Canadians. My hubris has come back to haunt and embarass me.

MONDAY
Mondays are none too difficult here. After two days off, our overlords worry that we may have forgotten our secret mandate, so we spend most of the day in political re-education. It's never boring though; since the CBC steals millions of dollars from Canadians, there's always some to spare for making propaganda films.

Today's movie was like Leni Riefenstahl meets A Clockwork Orange. Images of Stephen Harper and the Conservatives juxtaposed with rats, nuclear explosions, dead bodies and other chaos with ominous music in the background (soundtrack highlights at 1:30).

Following that are clips from various action movies, with Stéphane Dion's head edited onto the heroes' bodies. He saves children from gruesome deaths, stops forest fires, saves the world, etc… and the taxpayer-funded production values are amazing, lemme tell ya.

A typical indoctrination sessions takes around six or seven hours, including group chants, lie-detector tests and an uplink to the CBC's computerized hive-mind (via various cables that hook directly into our brains). Those get pretty exhausting, so we don't have to work too much after that. Just run a couple of stories propogating the lies of climate change and brazenly slandering the Conservatives, and I call it a day.

TUESDAY
Today I was making a run to Tim Horton's, and asked the folks in my section if they wanted anything. I took a multiple coffee and food orders. As the list grew, I said, half-joking, "Woah people, I can't afford all of this! I'm just a CBC employee."*

Jaws dropped, eyes widened, and everyone disintegrated into uncontrollable laughter. Tears flowed, farts broke out and everyone tore up at my expense for several minutes.

When finished, my boss took me aside and explained.

"We get a billion dollars a year from the taxpayers! We don't pay for anything with our own money!"

We took a brief walk down the hall to a plain closet I'd often walked past and ignored. He opened it up, revealing shelves piled high with stacks of hundred-dollar bills. He handed me five, took five or six for himself and shut the door. I noticed no lock on the door and he explained that there's no need for security. "We're all entitled to that cash," he told me. "If we run out, we can always extort more from the taxpayers."

In all, he gave me $19,000 for a quick run to the coffee shop. I was strictly cautioned not to come back with any of it either. So I tipped the cashier $900, went to Steve's Music and bought myself a guitar (I don't play guitar, but what the hell), then spent the rest on bottles of Dom Perignon, which I threw at homeless people for a few minutes.

I came back and walked straight into a money fight in my office. People were running and ducking as bundles of cash were thrown about. Looking into my boss' open office, I saw him making origami figures and lighting a cigar with hundred-dollar bills.

*For the record, I make $10,000 a week to work from home ($15,000 if I come to the office), with bonuses for extra Liberal bias.

THURSDAY
I stayed home today to re-read The Communist Manifesto, then watch some Michael Moore movies and brush up on the general socialist/communist/liberal attitude that all Fort Dork employees must have.

Oh, and I drank two bottles of Château Mouton Rothschild Pauillac ($610 a bottle, using public funds, natch).

FRIDAY
CBC employees don't work on Fridays! Listen, Johnny Taxpayer, you're lucky I even worked three days this week!