This week, I'm continuing on my last blog's theme, that being funny things that aren't funny. My last entry was inspired by jokes that died before their time and some things that were inexplicably branded as funny and beaten to death. There's plenty more material in that vein, and I'll return to it another time.
If you read it, you know I tackled things like Chuck Norris jokes and ironic t-shirts, humor concepts that have been forged into a hard club and used to beat us all over the head. I omitted one really big one that deserves its own entry.
How big, you ask? Almost ten million square kilometers and 33 million people. It's ten provinces and three territories of hilarity! It's Canada!!!!
Canada has long been the fool's gold of the weak comedian: they see some glimmering potential of hilarity there, but they all dig in the same place, a place that was long ago stripped bare of its value.
In case you've never heard or read any Canada jokes, here's a brief recap of what you've missed:
Canada's cold.
Canada's small.
Canada is similar to the United States, but smaller.
Canadians play hockey.
Canadians drink beer.
Canadians say "eh."
Canadians say "aboot."
Celine Dion is from Canada.
Did any of those make you laugh out loud? They shouldn't, because those things are not inherently funny. But that doesn't stop countless idiots from using them!
Granted , comedians can usually find more amusing ways to phrase those, but at the bare-bones level these things aren't funny for a whole pile of reasons. Your standard Canada jokes are a healthy mix of comedy-killers.
First, the true. I can write things like, "Stephen Harper is boring and evil," or "The Sahara desert is really hot," and they're not funny because they're just facts. If stating the true and the obvious was funny, encyclopedias would be hilarious.
Second, the broad. Yes, Canadians play hockey and drink beer and we do it in a country that's sometimes cold. Boy, who else does that? LOL! Oh wait, I can think of at least 20 countries off the top of my head and there are dozens more that fit that description. The great irony is that most lame Canada jokes come from Americans, who do the exact same thing.
Third, the pointlessly dumb. This pertains mostly to the cold jokes. Most Canadians know that Canada is sometimes very cold, and sometimes really damn hot. Even if you live in Nunavut, you're probably aware that parts of the country get very hot at times. A surprising number of Americans and others think Canada is all cold, all the time. So, "Canada is cold" jokes sound stupid to those in the know, and for the ignorant, you're just telling them what they think they know. So it's the truth (just for stupid people). And the truth, as we know, is not funny.
Lastly, and most importantly, is the dead. Jokes about "eh," "aboot," and Canada's size are done to death. The immensely quotable Al Capone once said, "I don't even know what street Canada is on." I don't know when he said it, but he died in 1947, so he said it at least 60 years ago, probably more. So, it's an old, old joke. And even then, it's just bland. Canada's small…aaaaand? So what? How come nobody laughs when I crack jokes about Luxembourg and Togo? That's pretty small. Where are my laughs? Screw you guys!
"Eh?" is the least fertile comedic ground there is. Perhaps you're familiar with Strange Brew, the 1983 film disaster based on SCTV skits that played up Canadian stereotypes to the nth degree and acquired an insane, rabid following to the point where the stars avoided public appearances. In those skits, Bob and Doug just spewed out the ehs, putting them at the end of almost every sentence. The movie bombed because the Canadian stereotypes became a totally played-out, one-note joke, and that was 25 years ago.
But the most scathing indictment of Canada jokes comes from who uses them and when. Several years ago, The Simpsons did a Canada episode. This was in the midst of the show's "We have no ideas so let's send the family to a different location and hope to God the culture gives us enough material to fill 22 minutes" phase, which also saw them going to Brazil, Japan and a dude ranch. This was also the time of the show's humor strike, wherein you could watch a whole episode without laughing. The aforementioned travel episodes yielded about 10 mildly funny moments, or 2.5 funny things per show. True to form, the Canada show was wildly unfunny, including totally misplaced and irrelevant references to Canada's national basketball team and Paul Shaffer. Oddly enough, that episode is actually decent until they go to Canada, where it all falls apart. I don't watch The Simpsons anymore, but I'm told it's somewhat funny again. I don't buy it, given the almost laugh-free movie that came out just this year
The Onion, the rapidly declining and money-grubbing joke newspaper recently published a joke atlas, of which the Canada page's most predominant joke was about how cold it is. It's painfully weak writing from The Onion, which is now churning out books at a record pace, regardless of the quality of the product. Both The Simpsons and The Onion have resorted to weakass Canada jokes (among other things) as their general quality declines.
I know what you're thinking (because if you're a consistent reader of this blog, you're probably a somewhat smug, young asshole): I'm just a sensitive and hyper-patriotic Canadian who can't stand to be mocked.
Nope. I don't really think anything is sacred. I sometimes feel bad about it, but I have cracked tasteless jokes about pretty much everything I can think of. I'll make fun of Canada as much as anyone. I'm just sensitive to bad comedy and stupidity. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of that.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
A compound fracture of the funny bone
When people take it upon themselves to describe me, the three most common terms would be "gorgeous," "asshole" and "funny." Even though I don't really take compliments, I know that two of those are meant to be. In some contexts, I even take all three to be complimentary, regardless of the speaker's intention.
Since they're good things to be, and also because I'm such a nice person, I present another public service blog. Now don't get excited; I can't teach you how to be gorgeous. You've either got it or you don't. Most people don't want to learn to be assholes for some reason, so this blog will teach you a bit about funniness.
Actually, it will teach you about funniness by subtraction. That is, teaching about some things that aren't funny. Things that may once have been funny, and now aren't or things that have been bafflingly mistaken for funny. And those are important. Much as gorgeousness can't be taught, funniness is also difficult to teach. But knowing what isn't funny is at least 1/3 of the battle.
Here we go!
The '80s: once funny
Humor level: extinct
Cause of death: beaten, raped, drowned, cremated, beaten and raped
People love to reference the '80s like it's a bottomless goldmine of hilarity. There's no shortage of "hilarious" t-shirts with '80s icons on them, '80s movies etc. Not that that was necessarily wrong. The 1980s was an era of reprehensible fashion, music and pop culture. Hair was big, music was terrible and clothes were an eye-bruising abomination. The '80s were funny. WERE.
Moment of death: Whenever Kickin' It Old Skool was released. The Wedding Singer mercilessly sucked the blood of the 1980s for every comic possibility, but it didn't kill the joke because the movie was somewhat funny. Rather, it turned the joke into one of the undead; shambling around, soulless, a shadow of its once-vibrant self. Kickin' It Old Skool represents not only the cyanide-tipped stake that was rammed into the joke's heart, but also the chainsaw that cut its head off and the shoes that danced on its grave. It was a long, slow death, with brutal blows coming when shows like The Golden Girls were released on DVD (?), but the joke is finally dead. Yes, the '80s gave us all some great, ironic laughs. But let it go.
Irony: still kinda funny
Humor level: endangered
Irony is far too enduring a device to ever die. It's almost invincible. Think of it as the Superman of humor. But you can still stab Superman in the urethra with a kryptonite spike, which is exactly what our society has done in the last few years. The irony that we've done to death is embracing uncool things and touting them as cool. This is mostly done in t-shirt form, as deconstructed in this fine blog on the subject. But it's not limited to t-shirts.
The crippling blow to "uncool = cool"-style irony is hard to pinpoint. It could have been 2004, when Napoleon Dynamite, a never-ending carnival of quotable uncool-ness came out. Or maybe it's when they started selling Napoleon Dynamite-themed mints or "vote for Pedro" t-shirts. Or maybe it's when "hilarious" t-shirt stores sprung up like weeds throughout the world. I've seen them all through Ontario and Asia, so it's safe to assume they're ubiquitous.
The pivotal question in irony is, "Do I actually agree with this sentiment I'm expressing?" whether it's a literal statement on a t-shirt or elsewhere, or a metaphorical statement made through some other form of personal expression. If you can't answer yes, you're probably too ironic for your own good. So put away your D.A.R.E. shirts and leave irony alone for a while.
Irony part 2: Juxtaposing What a Wonderful World with non-wonderful things
Humor level: extinct
Anyone who's seen Good Morning Vietnam will probably recall the montage of violence that occurs while Louie Armstrong sings that famous song. Whatever the shortcomings of that movie, it's still a great and effective scene. But with the entertainment industry being as unoriginal as it is, this worthy concept has since been throttled by the wannabe-ironic. The joke died the first time someone stole the idea, but it's hard to pinpoint when that was. The most egregious offender was Bowling for Columbine, used to tacky effect by the jaw-droppingly insincere windbag Michael Moore (but he's a blog for another day). The song is currently being abused in a stupid ad for a Playstation game that shows some manner of futuristic coyote blowing up spaceships while a punk version of the song plays. Sure, the target demographic probably doesn't know you've stolen the idea, but that doesn't make you any less stupid, Sony.
Chuck Norris jokes: very briefly funny
Cause of death: crushed to death in a hydraulic humor press operated by 10,000,000 stupid fratboys and bloggers trying to squeeze every last bit of hilarity out of it.
I know at least one of my subscribers is unfamiliar with Chuck Norris jokes. If only I was so wonderfully ignorant. I suppose, for the purpose of informed discussion, I should include some here. Well, I won't. If you want that shit, you can find it elsewhere. These jokes are dead for any number of simple reasons.
Fact: a search for "Chuck Norris jokes" on Yahoo yields 2.4 million hits.
Fact: Some useless twat has published a book of Chuck Norris facts.
What do those facts mean? See "reason number 1 that Chuck Norris jokes are dead" below.
Here are two more reasons:
1) They were absolutely beaten to death through millions of emails and people who can't let go of a decent novelty joke. This is known to some as Saturday Night Live syndrome.
2) Family Guy used one. That's no an indictment of the show, mind you. Actually, it is. Anyway, it takes months and months and months to produce one episode of such shows. A joke has to be around for a while to make it into an episode and Norris jokes never had that kind of longevity.
3) It's a combination of an 80's reference and irony. No joke can survive that vicious combination for long.
Scottish accents: never funny
Cause of death: redundant, since it was never funny, but Mike Myers
Scottish accents seem to be a tool of choice for mildly talented actors with or comedians with poor impersonation skills to appear funnier, so they're springing up all too often for something that's not inherently funny. It started with Mike Myers, a wildly overrated actor/comedian who loves the Scots burr. He started it off with the "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!" joke that erupted onto Saturday Night Live in the era when any vaguely popular joke was quickly and efficiently beaten to death (Rob Schneider as the "Steve, Steverino!" guy is another great example). He continued flogging the dead comedic horse with the worthless Fat Bastard character from the equally worthless second and third Austin Powers movies. But don't give up Mike! If it ain't funny the first dozen times, try try again! Myers inexplicably insisted on giving Shrek a Scottish accent, an affectation that simultaneously adds nothing, makes no sense and isn't funny. Triple play!
It now appears without rhyme or reason in completely random places, including ads for money mart and Kellogg's Crispy Minis, the current offender being in a series of animated gum commercials. Since Scottishness has nothing to do with the gum or the ad, it's obviously a Myers-inspired "joke." It's also a terrible accent.
Nice work, ya bampot! (That's Scottish)
Whew! Once I get going on this, it's hard to stop! But in the interest of not making this entry just torturously long, I'll leave it there. For now. But part 2 is on the way, and will dispatch such painful phenomena as Vince Vaughan and jokes about "more cowbell!"
Stay tuned, and be funny.
Since they're good things to be, and also because I'm such a nice person, I present another public service blog. Now don't get excited; I can't teach you how to be gorgeous. You've either got it or you don't. Most people don't want to learn to be assholes for some reason, so this blog will teach you a bit about funniness.
Actually, it will teach you about funniness by subtraction. That is, teaching about some things that aren't funny. Things that may once have been funny, and now aren't or things that have been bafflingly mistaken for funny. And those are important. Much as gorgeousness can't be taught, funniness is also difficult to teach. But knowing what isn't funny is at least 1/3 of the battle.
Here we go!
The '80s: once funny
Humor level: extinct
Cause of death: beaten, raped, drowned, cremated, beaten and raped
People love to reference the '80s like it's a bottomless goldmine of hilarity. There's no shortage of "hilarious" t-shirts with '80s icons on them, '80s movies etc. Not that that was necessarily wrong. The 1980s was an era of reprehensible fashion, music and pop culture. Hair was big, music was terrible and clothes were an eye-bruising abomination. The '80s were funny. WERE.
Moment of death: Whenever Kickin' It Old Skool was released. The Wedding Singer mercilessly sucked the blood of the 1980s for every comic possibility, but it didn't kill the joke because the movie was somewhat funny. Rather, it turned the joke into one of the undead; shambling around, soulless, a shadow of its once-vibrant self. Kickin' It Old Skool represents not only the cyanide-tipped stake that was rammed into the joke's heart, but also the chainsaw that cut its head off and the shoes that danced on its grave. It was a long, slow death, with brutal blows coming when shows like The Golden Girls were released on DVD (?), but the joke is finally dead. Yes, the '80s gave us all some great, ironic laughs. But let it go.
Irony: still kinda funny
Humor level: endangered
Irony is far too enduring a device to ever die. It's almost invincible. Think of it as the Superman of humor. But you can still stab Superman in the urethra with a kryptonite spike, which is exactly what our society has done in the last few years. The irony that we've done to death is embracing uncool things and touting them as cool. This is mostly done in t-shirt form, as deconstructed in this fine blog on the subject. But it's not limited to t-shirts.
The crippling blow to "uncool = cool"-style irony is hard to pinpoint. It could have been 2004, when Napoleon Dynamite, a never-ending carnival of quotable uncool-ness came out. Or maybe it's when they started selling Napoleon Dynamite-themed mints or "vote for Pedro" t-shirts. Or maybe it's when "hilarious" t-shirt stores sprung up like weeds throughout the world. I've seen them all through Ontario and Asia, so it's safe to assume they're ubiquitous.
The pivotal question in irony is, "Do I actually agree with this sentiment I'm expressing?" whether it's a literal statement on a t-shirt or elsewhere, or a metaphorical statement made through some other form of personal expression. If you can't answer yes, you're probably too ironic for your own good. So put away your D.A.R.E. shirts and leave irony alone for a while.
Irony part 2: Juxtaposing What a Wonderful World with non-wonderful things
Humor level: extinct
Anyone who's seen Good Morning Vietnam will probably recall the montage of violence that occurs while Louie Armstrong sings that famous song. Whatever the shortcomings of that movie, it's still a great and effective scene. But with the entertainment industry being as unoriginal as it is, this worthy concept has since been throttled by the wannabe-ironic. The joke died the first time someone stole the idea, but it's hard to pinpoint when that was. The most egregious offender was Bowling for Columbine, used to tacky effect by the jaw-droppingly insincere windbag Michael Moore (but he's a blog for another day). The song is currently being abused in a stupid ad for a Playstation game that shows some manner of futuristic coyote blowing up spaceships while a punk version of the song plays. Sure, the target demographic probably doesn't know you've stolen the idea, but that doesn't make you any less stupid, Sony.
Chuck Norris jokes: very briefly funny
Cause of death: crushed to death in a hydraulic humor press operated by 10,000,000 stupid fratboys and bloggers trying to squeeze every last bit of hilarity out of it.
I know at least one of my subscribers is unfamiliar with Chuck Norris jokes. If only I was so wonderfully ignorant. I suppose, for the purpose of informed discussion, I should include some here. Well, I won't. If you want that shit, you can find it elsewhere. These jokes are dead for any number of simple reasons.
Fact: a search for "Chuck Norris jokes" on Yahoo yields 2.4 million hits.
Fact: Some useless twat has published a book of Chuck Norris facts.
What do those facts mean? See "reason number 1 that Chuck Norris jokes are dead" below.
Here are two more reasons:
1) They were absolutely beaten to death through millions of emails and people who can't let go of a decent novelty joke. This is known to some as Saturday Night Live syndrome.
2) Family Guy used one. That's no an indictment of the show, mind you. Actually, it is. Anyway, it takes months and months and months to produce one episode of such shows. A joke has to be around for a while to make it into an episode and Norris jokes never had that kind of longevity.
3) It's a combination of an 80's reference and irony. No joke can survive that vicious combination for long.
Scottish accents: never funny
Cause of death: redundant, since it was never funny, but Mike Myers
Scottish accents seem to be a tool of choice for mildly talented actors with or comedians with poor impersonation skills to appear funnier, so they're springing up all too often for something that's not inherently funny. It started with Mike Myers, a wildly overrated actor/comedian who loves the Scots burr. He started it off with the "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!" joke that erupted onto Saturday Night Live in the era when any vaguely popular joke was quickly and efficiently beaten to death (Rob Schneider as the "Steve, Steverino!" guy is another great example). He continued flogging the dead comedic horse with the worthless Fat Bastard character from the equally worthless second and third Austin Powers movies. But don't give up Mike! If it ain't funny the first dozen times, try try again! Myers inexplicably insisted on giving Shrek a Scottish accent, an affectation that simultaneously adds nothing, makes no sense and isn't funny. Triple play!
It now appears without rhyme or reason in completely random places, including ads for money mart and Kellogg's Crispy Minis, the current offender being in a series of animated gum commercials. Since Scottishness has nothing to do with the gum or the ad, it's obviously a Myers-inspired "joke." It's also a terrible accent.
Nice work, ya bampot! (That's Scottish)
Whew! Once I get going on this, it's hard to stop! But in the interest of not making this entry just torturously long, I'll leave it there. For now. But part 2 is on the way, and will dispatch such painful phenomena as Vince Vaughan and jokes about "more cowbell!"
Stay tuned, and be funny.
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