Face-to-face with Mother Nature

Today, I achieved a spiritual oneness that many people have yearned for since time immemorial, but have not achieved.

I became one with nature and learned its secrets. Many a flower child and tree-hugger have gone unhappily to their patchouli-smelling grave wishing for what I have achieved. Well, today I earned the right to dance on their graves. And believe me, I will.

I biked to work today, a bright, warm day. At 1:30, I took my lunch outside and boiled in the sun. 'Twas a cloudless sky and the sun beat down strong and fine.

Two and a half hours later, I happened to glance out the window. Apparently nobody told me there was going to be a total solar eclipse today! Four p.m. today was probably darker than 4 a.m.

Well, perhaps I was fooled. Since a good part of the CBC Newsworld broadcasts come from my floor, the windows all have filters on them to help the production people control the lighting conditions. That always makes things darker than they appear, but I thought I was used to the effect by now.

Yep, I am. I went to the window, threw up the sash and saw an ominously dark sky.

Since my work for the day was done, I decided to bail out early before fire and brimstone, or at least rain, fell from the skies.

Well, in the two minutes it took me to reach my bike, the skies had opened up with a torrential rainstorm. I'm talking blinding, traffic-paralyzing rain.

After standing and waiting for some time to see if the clouds might run out of rain, I opted to hop on the bike and pedal through the downpour. And as I did, I came to understand the true nature of nature.

I may not be the most "green" person out there, but I try to do my bit. I recycle pretty conscientiously and I sometimes will clean up some other jackass's litter. I try not to waste power or water and try not to do any undo damage to dear old Earth.

And my effort today was in biking to work. A fine green method of transport. And how was I rewarded?

By getting fucking pissed on all the way home. Arriving soaked and mud-splattered.

Some other day, it might have been darkly amusing, but today I was pissed. See, if there had been any hint at all that ill weather was in the offing, I wouldn't have biked. Or at least I would have been prepared for it. But no: I'm lulled into a false sense of security by a beautiful morning. Then a beautiful afternoon!

Then, by 4:00, the sky is blacker than Oprah's heart and I'm hearing getting splashed and soaked as I suffer my green transport home.

So I learned. Mother Nature is not a warm, kind and loving old grandmother. She may have once been. But now, she's a wizened, twisted old hag who hates us all for the ravages we have wreaked upon her. She hates us all. Even those who try to help (like me), bear some brunt of her warped sense of humour.

Yes, today I became one with nature. I learned its secrets and its true nature.

Today I met Mother Nature. And oh my God, what a bitch.