Thinning the herd

According to recent statistics, Canada's population is about 32.6 million now. The U.S. population just broke the 300 million barrier.

In seemingly unrelated news, my rent has just gone up.

However, if we didn't have so many goddam oxygen-bandits crowding up this continent, apartment demand would plummet, rent would be lower and the TTC wouldn't be so crowded. I think we need less people.

So, as a starting-off point, here follows my list of totally unnecessary people who we can get rid of first.

I'm not saying these people should be killed. If someone can find a large, inhospitable island to ship them to, that's fine. Or maybe we can build a giant catapult and fling them out into space. That's not really murder, because it's their fault if they can't hold their breath long enough to navigate by the stars and find their way back into Earth's atmosphere.

So, here we go…

Elvis impersonators

Elvis impersonators go to great lengths; they do the voice, grow out their chops and dress in outlandish, rhinestone-studded suits. Unfortunately, none of them ever imitate Elvis's most amusing act: DYING ON THE TOILET.

I heartily encourage all Elvis impersonators to try it.

Entertainment Tonight reporters and their ilk

Sure, you could argue that the money's pretty good, and the sheer braindeaded-ness of the job must make it pretty attractive. But Christ, there really should be limits on how badly you're willing to sell out. I don't understand how these people can go on TV with their shiteating grins and get excited about Paris Hilton's new toothbrush or any aspect of Britney Spears' life. There are reporters whose entire job consists of watching Britney Spears. How hollow and depressing.

These worthless freaks can't possibly have any self-respect. Although the fact that these people haven't killed themselves already proves they have an incredible lack of self-awareness.

The Wayans family

History has its share of infamous families: the Borgias, the Kims in North Korea, those wacky Duvaliers from Haiti… the list goes on.

The Wayans clan is worse than any of them. These hideous beasts have done more to plunge our society back into a cultural dark age than any other factor. Every time a Wayans movie comes out, you can feel the ground shake as the lowest common denominator drops again. A little known historical fact: the Southeast Asian tsunami of 2004 occurred the very second that Marlon Wayans said "Hey, let's make Scary Movie 4!"

I don't know how many of these monsters there are. Keenen-Ivory Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Damon Wayans, Antwaine Wayans, Mary-Kate and Ashley Wayans… Who knows? I just know there are way, WAY too many of them. I also know that their existence, which has allowed their evil conspiracy to make everyone dumber, is absolute proof against the existence of God. Take THAT, theologians! Didn't see that coming, didja?

Every last journalism student who doesn't attend Centennial College (and some who do)

There's too much competition for internships.

So, let's get started with them. If it's still too crowded when they're gone, I can suggest some other folk.