Public info blog 1: Science for everyday life

In the interest of public service, I present you with my online information forum on science, designed exclusively for the people of Toronto. Of course, many of these lessons will apply to many people inmay cities, but these facts and handy tips are based on my observationsof the denizens of the Big Smoke (whatever the hell that means). To makeit as easy as possible for many of the mouth-breathing dunderheads inthis town, I've given you useful scientific facts and a tip on how toemploy it!

Granted, not all of it is totally "scientific," at least according to "scienticians" (or is it "scientologists"?), but hey, science was never my strength anyway. My strengths lie in writing and bitching about stuff.

So that said, welcome to my Science for Torontonians!


FACT: Honking your horn will not make other cars disappear.

Practical application: imagine you're on King Street during rush hour and some poor chump's minivan breaks down, blocking your whole lane (as I saw yesterday). The driver was acutely aware he's in the way, even without people honking at him, Furthermore, the concentrated honking of several cars complete failed to miraculously levitate or disintegrate the minivan so traffic could move. Rather, the honkers just sound like obnoxious dicks.


FACT: Faith is no match for physics.

Practical application: as my good buddy and loyal reader Phil and his mattress-mobile can attest, there's no substitute for a length of rope or bungee cord if you have some cargo sticking out the back of your vehicle. Don't trust that your two-by-fours or boxspring won't fly out of your car and kill somebody. Try tying it down.


FACT: Gum is not water soluble.

Practical application: you'll discover that spitting in your gum into a urinal is strictly disgusting and obnoxious. Since pretty much every washroom in the world has a garbage container within several feet of the urinal, you can spit your gum there. Urinal gum does not disappear; rather, some poor bastard has to go and pick it out at the end of the
day.


FACT: Space has the same value throughout an entire subway car.

Practical application: if you see space in the middle of the subway car, it's not an illusion; it's actually there! You can stand in that space just as easily as you can stand right in front of the door, but it also allows other people to get on and makes you look less retarded! Try it sometime!


FACT: It is not physically possible to walk across a street, no matter how narrow, in less than 3 seconds.

Practical application: So you won't get run over because you're slow and stupid. There's a reason the city installed those crosswalk timers at a bunch of intersections. It's because it used to be impossible to know how much time you had to cross. Well, now that people can see, they've
developed this idea that, no matter how fat or slow they are, their superhuman walking ability will take them across the street with a couple of seconds left, or that time will slow down to accommodate their stupid self.


FACT: A bike helmet only protects your head if you wear it.

Practical application: it's so you won't die the amazingly ironic death (or suffer an ironic crippling) when a car runs over your head or you're pitched headlong over the handlebars and dash your brains on the asphalt while your helmet was tied to your backpack. Exactly why
would you bike down major streets with a helmet in your bag? If you bothered to bring it, wear it! Similarly, wearing a helmet with the straps undone will also not protect you. Theoretically, a helmet is useful on what we scientists call "impact". This "impact" will cause your helmet to fly off. This may cause your unprotected melon to "impact" with a car windshield causing possible "death." Of course, if you die that way, it's really just natural selection at work, jackass.


FACT: There are no commercially available bikes that emit force fields.

Practical application: perhaps you'll think twice before biking along Yonge Street without holding the handlebars, or sending a text message and drinking a coffee while on your bike. You are not invincible when seated on a bike, Once again, people who die that way are no great loss, but I'd rather not have to pay for a car wash just because some fool's brains are caked on my windshield wiper. Lately, I've seen at least three people biking along major streets
in heavy traffic with their arms crossed smugly across their chests like a Swami, showing off their great balance. Well, guess what? Nobody's impressed, there's no practical reason to bike like that and hubris is eventually going to drive up in a range rover and run over your face.


FACT: Sunglasses are only designed to protect your eyes.

Practical application: this is mostly for aesthetics and mostly for women, who have been inexplicably seduced by the idiotic fad of wearing sunglasses that look like they were designed for people with eyeballs the size of Homer Simpson's. I'm talking saucer-size. Apparently some people now think sunglasses are supposed to cover as much facial skin as possible while still keeping your nose free. They manage to seamlessly combine the ugly, the impractical and the ridiculous while diminishing none of these. To the best of my understanding, this fad has
been muchly popularized by socialite fucktowel Paris Hilton, and exactly why the hell would anyone want to look like her?

I hope that was useful! If you've got any suggestions, let me know. I may branch out and offer these little education sessions in many different fields. Except math. Keep that evil black magic bullshit to yourself.