Attack of the 50-foot slut-clown

Just when I dared hope that Sarah Jessica Parker had mercifully disappeared, an idiotic ad for her new perfume has now upped the obnoxiousness ante of the current movie theater-going experience.

If you haven't been to the movies lately, you may not have seen this donkey-faced and makeup-laden tartlet dressed in one of her standard circus outfits, shilling her crap. Well, you're lucky. But as terrible and annoying as this ad is, it may serve some purpose: perhaps more of you will recognize the pure awfulness she embodies.

Since I'm a journalist, and aspire to provide an objective and informed piece, here is the ad of which I speak.

What's that you say? This piece doesn't sound objective? Well, let me tell you: this woman and the idiotic show that somehow propagated the idea that she's attractive, are objectively awful and wrong. I say that with no bias whatsoever.

I would not recommend watching this ad. Let me sum it up for you: imagine Skeletor had his head crushed in a vise, grew a deranged afro-perm hybrid, then dressed in an giant loofah. He acts sexy, gets arrested, I vomit, the end.

While not my intention, I expect that this entry will polarize my readers distinctly along gender lines. Of course, I only know who three of my readers are, since barely anyone subscribes to this blog but dozens of people read it.

Most guys, at least those who aren't whipped, don't like Sex and the City. Well, even the whipped ones don't like it but they still watch it. Girls, in my experience, love this show without exception.

Several girls I know say that all guys should watch Sex and the City, since it will give them insight into what woman want. Well, even if that is true, I don't want to know what women want badly enough to watch that twisted show.

What's wrong with it? Well, first of all, it's probably the most insulting show in the universe. Is any reasonable person supposed to believe that Sarah Jessica Parker (hereafter referred to as "Piglet" because it's apt and her name is a hassle to type over and over) and her cadre of navel-gazing bourgeois sluts are actually attractive and get more sex than George Clooney with a pocketful of Rohypnol? Right.

I've been to New York City several times, and there's nothing about the men there that makes me believe they line up to have sex with a woman who looks like a clown, only with more ridiculous outfits. Plus, some guys might be threatened by the fact that her nose is longer than most men's arms, much less their dicks.

But aside from providing a platform for the sheer repellence of Piglet, the show provided a niche for an utterly untalented freak. A quick look at her pre-Sex and the City acting resume shows a less than triumphal parade of cinematic bombs and some TV appearances. Since then, she's getting more work, but it's the exact same role. Even her perfume ad is just Carrie Bradshaw all over again, except you don't get some inane voice-over about the great debate over how many dates before she opens up her used-up sausage wallet to some random guy. Her newest film projects are the creatively titled Sex and the City Movie and another one where she sleeps with an older guy, then discovers he's her future father-in-law, which sounds like a rejected script from her stupid show.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that those in the movie business might finally realize that Piglet serves no purpose and kick her ass to the curb. What's the point of a gross-looking and untalented "star"? Sure, Catherine Zeta-Jones is a crap actress, but at least she works as eye candy. Piglet, on the other hand... well, she's married to Matthew Broderick and Ferris
Bueller's Day Off sure was a good flick, wasn't it?

Gleeful update: about a month after this entry, Maxim placed Piglet atop its list of unsexiest women. I was surprised to hear that since I thought Maxim had been publishing the exact same magazine for years, just with a different lingerie-clad tart on the cover. Maxim is still unadulterated shit as magazines go, but I have to give it points for the fine choice.