Colour me racist

I would call myself non-PC. I still say "gay" and "retarded" and "janitor" (You're supposed to say "homosexual," "developmentally delayed" and "custodian").

Well, retarded is pretty bad. But another word that garners a lot of disapproval these days is when you call someone black.

Say "African-American!"

I say fuck that. Not only does it sound ridiculous, but it's also racist, because you're assuming that all black people come from Africa, or that they're American. What about African-Brits?

How about Pelé? Us racists might call him black. My critics would call him African-American. He's Brazilian, you racist! Steve Nash? Born in Africa, thank you very much.

Besides, many palaeontologists, anthropologists and the like will tell you that all humans come from Africa, so even albinos or Johnny and Edgar Winter could be African-American.

Besides, we're dealing with a double standard anyway since it's still okay to refer to white people as such. I don't know any white people who are bothered by being called white. "Caucasian," the more PC term is stupid for the same reason that "African-American" is stupid. It's presumptuous and ill thought-out. I'm not from the Caucasus.

Now some people will say the double standard exists because whites haven't had as hard a time as blacks or "the red man" and hey, I won't argue that. White people have an ugly history of treating other races like shit.

But still, what's wrong with calling someone black?

In my journalism school training, I've been told to avoid terms like "black days" since it casts black as a bad thing. Never mind that it can be good as well.

Sure, white has plenty of positive connotations to it. The old stereotype is that the good guys wear white, the bad guys black, etc.

But hey, black is also cool. Lest we forget all the good guys in The Matrix wore black, while those two ghostly assassins were white (white people with dreadlocks… that's how you know they're bad). AC/DC was Back in Black, and those insufferable twats the Beatles made the White album. The Black Knight is arguably one of the best characters in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Financially, all companies want to be "in the black."

White is not always good. In fact sometimes, it's downright evil.

As an epicure, my Dark Ages would have 1993-1998: the high school years. Five years of mysterious swill ladled out of troughs onto my plate in a boarding school kitchen.

One of the signature dishes of our kitchen was cvhicken with white sauce. Once, at my most flippant, I asked what the "white" sauce was. The troglodyte behind the sneeze guard answered, "white."

"Yes," says I. "But what's in it?"

"White."

I was dumbfounded. White had transcended mere colour. Now, it was not just a flavour, but an ingredient.

This was hardly new. The red juice was another kitchen staple, but it somehow seemed less creepy.

Needless to say, after that, pretty much anything could be defined by colour as far as I was concerned. Milk became the "white juice" and orange juice became… never mind.

Why were we being given foods defined by the colour?

My most stomach-churning theory is that the white sauce was probably the least low-maintenance for the kitchen because it could most easily hide the spit and semen that the resentful hick kitchen staff likely flung into the food.

Ironically, chicken with white sauce was also very popular. And lest you make some licentious connection between the potential semen content and the popularity, let me first assure you that my boarding school was not all boys.

I didn't eat the chicken with white sauce much, but after that, I never touched it again. Too this day, I'm suspicious and distrusting of anything white.

But importantly, it taught me that anything can be defined by colour, and it makes the most sense because any other label you devise will have problems.

Call me white, see if I care. What's the point in treading on social eggshells, calling someone African-American when it still sounds idiotic. Besides, I'm happier being considered politically incorrect than stupid.

So call me a racist if you like. I'll call you a hypersensitive reactionary, for two reasons. First, you're not taking into account my traumatic childhood wherein I ate chicken with white sauce. Second, you're not agreeing with me. What are you, developmentally delayed or something?