Superpowers

Any person who's even semi-interesting has a superpower. I don't mean something grandiose like flying, super-strength or being able to finish a novel by any Russian writer (which is not humanly possible, so don't even try to say you can do it). It's something more pedestrian, and maybe you're not the only person on the planet who can do it. Maybe it's more Batman-like. Batman is not actually "super" but he's just really really good at solving crimes and kicking the crap out of people. Unless it's the 1960's Batman who didn't kick ass but still solved crimes despite having the Bat-gut and the Bat-semi-erection.

But I digress. Here's an example of the kind of superpowers I'm talking about:

My friend Brent, who may be a self-hating elitist cock because he signed up on myspace but never comes on, has an excellent superpower: it's the ability to take great stories other people have told him and claim them as his own.

That is such a fun superpower than I've often been tempted to use my super-irony and claim that superpower as my own. Perhaps the appeal of that superpower and the possible ironic consequences are his kryptonite.

Another friend of mine once told me, in a moment of all emotional seriousness, that her superpower was "caring." What's that, "super-sympathy"? Screw that. That's not cool. Nobody's gonna make a comic book about someone who really cares a lot. I don't think she understood what I was getting at.

Yes, I'm aware of the Care Bears, so shut your hole. They're not popular anymore.

My superpower is the ability to interpret and compliment in a negative way. You could tell me I'm the sexiest man alive (and many, many people do say that), but you better believe I'll find a way to be insulted.

I'm planning to start a new League of Superheroes, so if you got a cool superpower, apply now! Or at least let everyone know what it is.

Unless it's "caring." Take that crap somewhere else.

Hysterical 'Def'-ness

The BBC just offered the latest sign that the apocalypse is nigh:

Def Leppard is re-releasing their record-breaking album Hysteria to mark its 20th anniversary. Hysteria - Deluxe Edition, due be released next month, will include an extra bonus disc as well as a remastered version of the original. It sold more than 18 million copies, making it among the biggest selling hard rock/metal albums of all time. The band are also experiencing success with their latest album, Yeah!, which debuted in the US Album charts at number 16.

Okay, Def Leppard, you better be joking. Sure, I liked Hysteria at the time; I remember rocking out to Pour Some Sugar On Me. But that time has passed. What are you doing? You sold 18 million fucking copies; can't you just be happy with that and leave us alone?

See, I can admit liking Hysteria, because I was about 8 years old at the time, and nobody actually has good taste in music then. Just as the human body grows and matures, so does your general taste and good sense.

I refuse to believe that anybody appreciates Def Leppard in a non-ironic sense. Sure, it's funny to put on Def Leppard on the bar's jukebox when you're out with your friends. Not because of the brilliant musicality or poetic lyrics. It's just funny. That's also why you can listen to Vanilla Ice or New Kids on the Block now. Nobody will believe that you really like them, but more importantly, they're washed up enough that they no longer pose a real cultural threat. They've been neutralized, so you can look at them and laugh, like some evil music-eating monster that's been caged and declawed.

Re-releasing Hysteria is an act of pure antisocial cruelty that may very well violate our basic human rights. Don't these goons know that nobody genuinely likes them anymore? If you listen closely (which I would not recommend), you'll notice the lyrics of Pour Some Sugar On Me, are, at least partially, about Joe Elliot's hot, sticky-sweet feet. People don't need to hear a 57 year-old has-been rasping about his sticky feet.

Besides briefly the biggest pseudo-metal band ever, "Lep" is also famous for being that band where the drummer has one arm. Rick Allen lost his arm due to a temporary lapse in driving smarts that generally tells you not to drive into walls. More power to him for teaching himself to play drums one-armed. I can respect that.

But at the same time, I think Def Leppard is due for another car accident, and a much worse one. Not something that will allow Rick Savage to inspire us all by learning how to play bass with his nose; I mean a real limb-rending splatterfest. Or at least some heavy traction that will give them all time to reflect on the fact that they really need to stop. Just stop!

Besides, any band with the sheer brain-dead effrontery to release an album titled Yeah! is sorely overdue for some sort of karmic retribution.