First time in Toronto? Welcome! If you're here for any significant length of time and you plan to see much of the city, you need transportation. And unless you're a total glutton for punishment, you're not driving. That means you can enjoy the city's greatest blessing, everyone's favourite, your friend and mine, the Toronto Transit Commission.
The TTC consists of several disparate, but equally important elements. Cacophonic buses, ludicrous streetcars and lots of churlish employees. And who could forget our marvelous subway?
If you ain't from the big city, you might not be familiar with our subway system. This is a guide for all you subway neophytes, so you can ride just like a real Torontonian.
First, take a look at the map, a ridiculous bisected horseshoe that manages to cover very little ground in an admirably inefficient way. At the very least, the maps all have the station names spelled correctly, so it's not too hard to figure out where you're going. You've got to keep an eye out though. Practically every station is done up in some chipped ugly tile motif; they're all like dilapidated bathrooms from the 1960s.
Of course, you have to pay to get on. A mere piffle at $2.75… wait a second, that's actually a lot to ride the TTC. Well, enjoy it while you can, there's already talk of raising the fare again. Anyhoo, you can purchase tokens at the machine or collection booth. After trying the machines, which will be broken, go to the booth and try to communicate with the invariably surly and unhelpful person inside.
The collection booths have some absurd microphone-device which must be there for decoration since it serves no real purpose. When you ask for however many tokens you want, the booth-ogre will just look at you like you're an idiot and you'll have to repeat yourself at least once. This means that they are either stupid or that the microphone-thing doesn't work. It is likely a combination of the two, for you will notice that, when they talk to you, they sound like someone speaking sanskrit through a ball-gag. I thought microphones were supposed to amplify the voice and aid speech, not impair it.
My personal conviction is that they are just unwilling to help and also stupid. Case in point: after the most recent fare raise, the big bulk token deal is 10 tokens for $21. Last week, I went to a booth and pushed through a $20 bill and a loonie. I asked for 10 tokens, which was probably unncessary since there is only one reason I'd happen to hand over exactly $21. The TTC-drone stared at me and said "Whaddya want?" I got my tokens and walked off baffled. What did he think it was for, a Christmas present?
Now that you've paid far more than the trip is worth, it's time to get to the platform. Most escalators have small signs indicating which side is for standing and which is for walking. Most TTC escalators have these and, if the escalator is working, they will be totally ignored. Often, people prefer to stand on both sides, or, my personal favourite, in the middle.
As you board the train, you may notice that, if there are no vacant seats, most people will take two to three steps and stop, crowding by the doors and preventing more people from getting on. Don't worry; this is stupidity-based paralysis and it's very common. It's most in evidence during rush hour when half-full cars cannot be boarded because there are huge crowds by the doors while the sections in between are nearly empty. As the doors open and you are unable to board, at least one of the herd will give you a half-assed apologetic look, a look that says "That sucks you can't get on, and even though the solution is obvious (physically moving), our herd stupidity doesn't allow it."
There are two possible solutions: 1) Square your shoulders and charge into the crowd, or 2) wait for the next train (and probably the next one, too).
A third option, easily the least effective is to press yourself against the crowd and hope to be passively absorbed. This morning, I watched as one hapless guy just stood outside the train, up against the crowd as if he would just be sucked in, like the Blob. Instead the doors closed on his leg. I couldn't help but laugh, although I did manage not to point. Incidentally, I also had to pass up four consecutive trains today because people are too dumb and/or lazy to distribute themselves evenly throughout the car.
Most people believe that they should stand by the doors so they can get off quickly, regardless of how far away their stop may be. Of course, most people in Toronto are also the only people in the entire world, thus have no concept of when they might be, you know, totally in the way, or really obnoxious.
Last step! Get off the train. The is the last phase of selfish stupidity so endemic to the TTC; those waiting to get on the train will crowd around the doors, typically leaving a narrow passage for those disembarking. Even better, some of those waiting on the platform will start shoving their way onto the train before you leave.
At this point, you may want to take a moment to cough up your lungs. The air quality in the subway is only slightly better than outside, in the way that being stabbed in the chest is slightly better than being shot in the face. The TTC only recently abandoned the old mining trick of keeping a canary down in the stations… mostly because of the catastrophic death rate but also because the TTC doesn't give a rat's ass about its patrons.
So you've ridden the subway! At this point, you probably hate every single person in the city. Well, that's to be expected. And if you've read this before riding the subway, you might avoid it altogether. I've done you a big favour then. Merry Christmas!
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