Become handicapped... with the push of a button!

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

Handicapped people are often the butt of jokes. There are more derogatory nicknames out there than I know of, and I know a lot.

Now I'm not being holier-than-thou here. I subscribe to the belief that pretty much anything is funny as long as it doesn't happen to you. As a result of that, I've made fun of pretty much everyone and everything at one point or another.

(As a theological aside, I think that if there is a God, or any divine justice, I'll probably end die a gay quadriplegic American midget who loves the Beatles, Scary Movie and NASCAR. If I die a painless, un-ironic death, that's a big argument against the existence of God.)

So, back on topic: If you mock a certain demographic, would you simultaneously try to appear as one?

If you're a homophobe, would you wear ass-less chaps during Pride?

If you're an anti-Semite, would you wear a yarmulke?

Probably not.

If you make fun of the handicapped, would you use handicapped facilities?

Maybe. Lots of people do.

Increasingly often, I'm seeing people using handicapped buttons to open doors in this town. You know those big (usually) round buttons you see near doors on many public buildings? Those are typically meant for handicapped folk who would have trouble opening a door on their own.

I used to roll my eyes and laugh at able-bodied people who press that button. I figured that they're lazy, stupid twits. I'd call them handicapped-poseurs. They figure they look clever and sharp, but are proving the opposite, I thought. But now I know better.

See, I'm a busy guy. I work, go to school and still find time to entertain my multitudes of fans by writing my blogs. That takes a lot of energy and I now find myself looking for any labour-saving shortcuts I can.

Sure, those buttons open doors painfully slowly and you may look like a moron while you stand there waiting for it to open, but who has the time or the energy to open those thousand-pound doors that you find on most public buildings nowadays?

But wait a second! So I've managed to increase my efficiency by hitting that button. But how did I get to the door? Walking. By using my legs.

Fuck that!

I could buy a Segway, but people who use those are actually retarded. I don't want to be retarded, I just want all the advantages of it.

So I got a wheelchair. But I didn't fall into the trap that so many stupid cripples do; I bought a motorized one so I don't have to use my arms or legs. Score!

I'm on my way to becoming a perfectly efficient human being. There are still steps left though; I still chew, swallow and breathe like some idiot. I need a feeding tube and respirator to take care of that crap for me.

I don't know why more people haven't caught on to this. Especially those people who use the button. I mean, the fact that they're so stupid and lazy probably qualifies them as retarded anyway, so why not go full-on?