The real Korean threat

Duck and cover! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! North Korea's got nucular weapons!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Meh.

So the world's all in a tizzy about North Korea having done a nuclear weapon test. Yes, the Hermit Kingdom, as it's often known, the rogue state run by that unpredictable loon Kim Jong-Il, the state that maintains one of the world's largest standing armies, over 1.2 million soldiers, the only country in the world with a dead head of state (Kim Il-Sung, who kicked the bucket in '94, but is "Eternal President") has got the nukes.

Or at least one nuke.

Or had one, and used it.

Again: meh.

As decades of rule under the Kim family have proven, it's that North Korea is a master of brinksmanship, inscrutable bluffing, skulduggery, chicanery and other interesting adjectives. North Korea won't use nukes.

They'll use more subtle methods. In fact, they started years ago. Korea came up with a totally preposterous concept that has somehow caught on and has begun to infiltrate our culture!

I'm talking about kimchi.

What is kimchi, you might ask? Well, I'll enlighten you.

Kimchi is spicy, pickled radish and cabbage. It's marinated in walrus urine for a week, then buried in a landfill for two weeks. After being dug up, it's left to dry on slabs of putrid beef that have been out in the sun for a three days. It's re-hydrated in the vomit of drunken Korean businessmen, then eaten with great relish by every Korean person in the universe.

Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. But taste real Korean kimchi for the first time, and you'll believe me.

When I lived in Korea, I tried a little experiment. I tried to find one single Korean who didn't claim to love kimchi. I use the word "claim" because I refuse to believe anyone really likes the stuff.

Lo and behold, I couldn't find one. I talked to three-year-olds, kids who hate vegetables, and they call say they love kimchi.

The more people I asked, the more I began to realize the terrible truth.

Kimchi isn't just food. It's part of some sinister program of indoctrination. At birth, all Korean children are temporarily confiscated by the government, and brainwashed for two weeks. As they grow up, they find they have an irrational predilection for spicy fermented cabbage. They know it's terrible, but they can't stop eating it!

The walrus-urine marinade is spiked with psychotropic mind-control drugs that accumulate in the brain and lie dormant until the Korean government decides to launch its sinister plan.

Anyone who lives in Toronto may notice how this evil plan is taking shape over here. Within in the last six months, no less than four new Korean restaurants have opened on just a small strip of Yonge Street, between Bloor and King.

It's all part of well-laid plan hatched by power-mad King Sinch'ang in 1389, and it's slowly coming to fruition.

No doubt some you are saying "Hang on! You were talking about North Korea, but now you're just lumping the South in with it! What gives?"

That's part of their plan, fools! The Korean War was a hoax! The two Koreas are still united, and all of North Korea's nuclear sabre-rattling has been a distraction! Can't you see? Am I the only one who understands?

Don't say I didn't warn you!