Superpowers

Any person who's even semi-interesting has a superpower. I don't mean something grandiose like flying, super-strength or being able to finish a novel by any Russian writer (which is not humanly possible, so don't even try to say you can do it). It's something more pedestrian, and maybe you're not the only person on the planet who can do it. Maybe it's more Batman-like. Batman is not actually "super" but he's just really really good at solving crimes and kicking the crap out of people. Unless it's the 1960's Batman who didn't kick ass but still solved crimes despite having the Bat-gut and the Bat-semi-erection.

But I digress. Here's an example of the kind of superpowers I'm talking about:

My friend Brent, who may be a self-hating elitist cock because he signed up on myspace but never comes on, has an excellent superpower: it's the ability to take great stories other people have told him and claim them as his own.

That is such a fun superpower than I've often been tempted to use my super-irony and claim that superpower as my own. Perhaps the appeal of that superpower and the possible ironic consequences are his kryptonite.

Another friend of mine once told me, in a moment of all emotional seriousness, that her superpower was "caring." What's that, "super-sympathy"? Screw that. That's not cool. Nobody's gonna make a comic book about someone who really cares a lot. I don't think she understood what I was getting at.

Yes, I'm aware of the Care Bears, so shut your hole. They're not popular anymore.

My superpower is the ability to interpret and compliment in a negative way. You could tell me I'm the sexiest man alive (and many, many people do say that), but you better believe I'll find a way to be insulted.

I'm planning to start a new League of Superheroes, so if you got a cool superpower, apply now! Or at least let everyone know what it is.

Unless it's "caring." Take that crap somewhere else.